They can choose it because they want to; it is to their advantage. Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to until they reach the point of no longer being able to hold it in; then they explode nastily and inappropriately all over whoever happens to be around. We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. Using charm, humour, telling the truth or even deliberate manipulation, may well get you what you want without having to attempt behaviour that may go against your personality. Some of us have a hard time saying no because we hate to miss an opportunity. Those things might be the cost of reclaiming your life. After Irene tried these practices she started working less and spending more time with her kids.
Not Nice Not Nasty This leaves people with the impression that there are only two states or behaviours they can do: Nice or Nasty. The Practice of Saying No will appeal to anyone seeking more meaning and spirituality in their everyday lives. If you let someone have their whole say without interrupting, they could get the impression you're interested and willing. By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want. The concept of asserting yourself, getting your voice heard, being understood, being taken into account, getting your own way needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour.
When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back. Taylor is advocating a new approach: Keeping the Sabbath holy. I have several friends that would appreciate the spiritual based book. Here are the nine practices I shared with Irene to help her say a strategic no in order to create space in her life for a more intentional yes. A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something. The idea of choice is very important. Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants.
Which is almost as bad as the feeling you always have to be compliant or nice. Her first memoir, Leaving Church 2006 , won an Author of the Year award from the Georgia Writers Association. Most of us find it easier and better to do five things at once than to take two hours to do nothing. In The Practice of Saying No, beloved author and preacher Barbara Brown Taylor reflects on the meaning of keeping the Sabbath: of saying no to work and doing, but instead celebrating stopping, resting on the porch, and taking the time to recognize our interconnectedness. Many people think that in order to be assertive, you need to ignore what you are feeling and just 'stand your ground'.
Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying no. The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm. Then everything would be all right. You can see it coming. The fifth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler. There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen.
But having a reason does. So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate. The key point here is that the behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen. Changing Others by Changing Yourself A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with or feel intimidated by, would change. At this point, people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening. While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straightjacket of its own often creating resistance and resentment , the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is a choice in the matter. A favourite technique of ours is to say something along the lines of, 'I'm really sorry; I'm going to interrupt you.
By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. Then, when the requests come in, you can refer to your earlier conversation. Say no when a waiter offers you dessert. Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book: Let's say you're a burglar. Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks a favour; or feel pressured when someone senior to them needs something done. I have also been able to focus on my career and be more in control of what I want to achieve at my place of work. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark! The key word here is appropriate.
Assertiveness Training What exactly is The Art of Saying No? The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it. What we've seen with assertiveness, is that it is often seen as a single form of behaviour: just say no, stand your ground, be a broken record - all quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good. We emphasise the word key because until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act no matter how well they are taught to be assertive. And if we're busy, we must be important, right? It's Not Assertiveness Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and. This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun. If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb. Taylor is the Butman Professor of Religion at Piedmont College, where she has taught since 1998.